Recognizing Hidden Wounds: Healing Emotional Abuse.
By: Stephanie Compton-Bain, MA, LBS, LPC
Many people who grow up in emotionally or mentally abusive family systems struggle to name their experience. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, emotional and mental abuse is often hidden beneath patterns of manipulation, neglect, shame, or control. Yet its impact is profoundshaping nervous systems, self-beliefs, and the capacity for healthy relationships. Grounding in the trauma-informed theories of Peter Levine, Dan Siegel, and Arielle Schwartz, we can begin to recognize these subtle forms of harm and move toward healing.
Understanding Trauma in the Body (Peter Levine)
Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, emphasizes that trauma lives in the body as much as in the mind. Abuse in childhood can trap the nervous system in cycles of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Children who grow up in emotionally abusive households may feel chronically unsafe, even if there’s no visible threat. Common signs include:
Hypervigilance: constantly scanning for danger, bracing for criticism.
Shut-down responses: numbness, dissociation, or a sense of leaving the body.
People-pleasing (fawning): prioritizing others’ needs as a survival strategy.
Levine reminds us that healing begins by listening to the body’s signals—noticing tension, tightness, or collapse—and slowly learning to discharge the stored survival energy. Gentle practices like grounding, breathwork, and orienting exercises help reconnect us with safety in the present.
Naming the Unseen Patterns (Dan Siegel)
Dan Siegel’s concept of interpersonal neurobiology teaches us that healthy relationships require integration—the linking of differentiated parts of our brains and lives into a coherent whole. In abusive families, integration often breaks down. Instead, children receive conflicting messages: “I love you” paired with manipulation, or “You should be grateful” paired with emotional neglect.
Some red flags Siegel highlights include:
Inconsistent care that leaves a child confused about what is real and reliable.
Dismissal of feelings, teaching a child to mistrust their own emotional experience.
Rigid or chaotic family dynamics, where boundaries are either absent or excessively controlling.
Recognizing these patterns is an act of empowerment. It allows survivors to say: What happened to me wasn’t love. It was survival in a system that couldn’t honor my needs.
The Path of Resilience (Arielle Schwartz)
Arielle Schwartz expands on trauma theory with her focus on post-traumatic growth and resilience. She reminds survivors that although trauma leaves scars, healing is possible. Importantly, she emphasizes the dual awareness of both acknowledging past pain and cultivating present strengths.
Schwartz encourages survivors to explore:
Self-compassion practices that soften inner criticism.
Embodied resilience, such as yoga, movement, or creative expression, to reclaim joy and agency.
Therapeutic reparenting, offering oneself the empathy, patience, and boundaries that were missing in childhood.
Her work highlights that healing is not about erasing the past but integrating it into a larger story of strength, survival, and meaning.
Practical Steps for Recognizing and Healing
If you suspect you experienced emotional or mental abuse in your family system, here are some gentle entry points:
Notice your body’s cues: Do certain family interactions trigger tightness, fear, or shutdown? This is valuable data.
Name the patterns: Write down behaviors that feel dismissive, manipulative, or controlling. Seeing them on paper reduces gaslighting and self-doubt.
Seek safe relationships: Healing happens in connection. Find spaces—therapeutic, community, or spiritual—where your voice and feelings are honored.
Practice self-regulation: Try grounding exercises, mindful breathing, or gentle movement to reassure your nervous system that you are safe now.
Reparent yourself: Offer your inner child compassion, encouragement, and permission to have boundaries.
Moving From Survival to Thriving
Emotional and mental abuse often convinces survivors that they are unworthy of love or destined to repeat old patterns. But as Levine, Siegel, and Schwartz each remind us in their own way: trauma is not the end of the story. Healing is a process of reclaiming your body, your voice, and your sense of self. By recognizing the hidden wounds, you take the first step toward transforming survival into resilience—and resilience into thriving.
Further Reading & Support
Recognizing emotional or mental abuse can feel overwhelming, especially when it’s tied to family or childhood experiences. If you’re wanting to explore more, the following books, articles, and organizations offer compassionate guidance and practical tools for healing:
Books
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma — Peter Levine
A foundational resource on how trauma lives in the body and how to gently release it.
The Complex PTSD Workbook — Arielle Schwartz
A practical guide to understanding and healing from childhood or relational trauma.
Parenting from the Inside Out — Dan Siegel
Helps explain how early relationships shape the brain and emotional patterns.
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk
A widely respected book on how trauma imprints on mind and body, and pathways to recovery.
Children of the Self-Absorbed — Nina W. Brown
Identifies emotional abuse patterns in families with narcissistic traits.
Articles & Websites
National Domestic Violence Hotline: What is Emotional Abuse?
PsychCentral: Signs of Emotional Abuse
Arielle Schwartz’s Blog
Supportive Organizations
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) – www.rainn.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org | 1-800-799-SAFE
Dr. Jonice Webb’s Resources on Childhood Emotional Neglect – www.drjonicewebb.com
Remember: Reading is a powerful first step. Healing also happens in safe relationships—with trusted friends, supportive communities, and trauma-informed therapists. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
