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Thanks, It Has Pockets! : Deflecting Compliments and Implications of Cultural Norms and Expectations.

Writer's picture: Emily DeMalto Emily DeMalto

Have you ever complimented someone on their outfit, only for them to respond with, "Thanks, it has pockets!"? If you're nodding your head, you're not alone. This phenomenon is particularly common among women, who often deflect attention away from the compliment and onto a practical feature of the garment. It’s a lighthearted exchange, but it reveals deeper cultural patterns around how people, especially women, receive and process compliments.


The Cultural Dance of Compliments



Compliments are a social currency, a way of connecting with others and expressing appreciation. Yet, for many, accepting a compliment can feel uncomfortable or even anxiety-inducing. The simple act of saying "thank you" can sometimes seem too forward, too self-assured. Instead, many women opt for deflection, redirecting the focus away from themselves and onto something else—like the pockets in a dress.

This deflection is not just a quirky habit; it's rooted in broader cultural norms. Society often teaches women to be modest, to downplay their achievements, and to avoid appearing too confident. As a result, when a woman is complimented, she might feel a subtle pressure to downplay the praise, to assure the giver that she's not taking the compliment too seriously or letting it "go to her head."


The Power of Pockets



The "pockets" response is particularly interesting because it shifts the conversation to something functional rather than aesthetic. Pockets in women’s clothing are often celebrated because they're so rare—a practical feature that’s been historically overlooked in fashion design. By focusing on the pockets, the woman is effectively saying, "I'm not taking your compliment too seriously; let's talk about something we can both agree is universally good—practicality."


This response also subtly shifts the dynamic of the interaction. It brings the compliment into a realm where both parties can find common ground, often leading to a shared laugh or a moment of connection. It’s a way of diffusing the potential awkwardness of the compliment while still acknowledging the kindness behind it.


The Impact of Deflecting Compliments



While deflecting compliments might feel like a safe, modest response, it can have some unintended consequences. First, it can diminish the compliment itself. When someone gives a compliment, they're often making a genuine effort to express something positive. By deflecting or downplaying it, the recipient may inadvertently signal that the compliment wasn’t necessary or appreciated, which can discourage future compliments.

Additionally, consistently deflecting compliments can contribute to a lack of self-acknowledgment and self-worth. When we habitually downplay positive feedback, we might internalize the idea that we’re not deserving of praise, or that our achievements and attributes aren’t worth celebrating. Over time, this can erode self-confidence and make it even harder to accept compliments in the future.


The Implications for Women



The cultural expectation for women to be modest and self-effacing is deeply ingrained, and it manifests in many areas of life—not just in how we receive compliments. Women are often socialized to prioritize others' feelings over their own, to avoid being seen as "too much" or "too full of themselves." This can lead to a pattern of self-minimization, where women hesitate to take up space, assert their needs, or celebrate their accomplishments.


In the workplace, for example, women might downplay their successes or give credit to others, even when they’ve done the majority of the work. In social settings, they might avoid talking about their achievements for fear of being perceived as bragging. This pattern can have real consequences, including missed opportunities for recognition, advancement, and self-empowerment.


Changing the Narrative



So, how do we break this cycle? It starts with awareness. By recognizing the cultural forces at play, we can begin to challenge them. The next time someone gives you a compliment, try to resist the urge to deflect. Instead, simply say "thank you" and allow yourself to feel the positive impact of the compliment. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it can become a more natural response.


We can also support others in accepting compliments by being mindful of how we give them. Instead of focusing solely on appearance, we can compliment qualities like kindness, intelligence, or creativity. This can help shift the conversation away from superficial attributes and towards deeper, more meaningful connections.


Embracing Compliments



Accepting a compliment is not about being arrogant or self-centered; it’s about acknowledging and appreciating the kindness of others. It’s also about recognizing your own worth and allowing yourself to be seen and appreciated. By embracing compliments, we can build stronger connections with others and cultivate a healthier sense of self-worth.


So the next time someone says, "I love your dress," try to resist the urge to point out its pockets. Instead, smile, say "thank you," and let yourself enjoy the moment. After all, you deserve it.


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