"Oh My God! Don't Say That!"

How To Better Support An Individual Who Says Something Concerning. 

Emily DeMalto June 23, 2024 

“I’m disgusting”, “I hate myself”, “I’m the worst”, “I don’t even want to be here anymore”. Things we might have heard from others, loved ones, friends, or even acquaintances. What's next? Often our first reaction is to immediately respond. We become firefighters, EMS, and Navy Seals in an attempt to respond to what was said. “Oh my God , DON’T SAY that!” We don’t want them to feel that way, and it might even make us uncomfortable to have to even witness someone feeling that way. However, in our effort to care for this individual (and ourselves) we might respond with a swiftness that could inadvertently communicate “What you just expressed is bad”. Now certainly, we don’t want people in our lives to feel negatively about themselves or experience suffering; however, sometimes, they do feel bad. 

As a therapist, people will often anecdotally tell me about friends or family who are struggling or have had mental health challenges. Often their story ends with a look of appeal, or trailing off. They might feel they don't know how to support them, they’re at a loss, and feeling that way is hard. However, oftentimes, people can conflate support with fix.  Here is what I tell them: 

• It’s ok that you might feel like you can’t “fix” the problem for this person. Being a support for someone is about being willing to be with them while they struggle, not about coming up with the right solution for them. 

• When they express a distressing thought to you, allow yourself a breath. It can be hard to witness others' discomfort. Check in with yourself and notice if you feel a desire to escape, change the subject or get them to “stop” feeling that way.  

• It’s not necessarily your job to figure out why they are saying what they’re saying. Sometimes we jump right into dismissing a thought from someone because we don’t have the solution.  

• Thoughts are often motivated by feelings. It is powerful to name the feeling for or with the person and normalize that for them. Oftentimes just vocalizing is soothing and connecting. 

• Just being with and acknowledging that someone has expressed pain is a great first step in helping someone feel connected. We can acknowledge and validate a person's “feeling” as a way to help them feel really seen. 

What does this look like played out? 

Validation and Support Process: 

Identify: “Hey, that sounded really harsh/critical/etc.”  

Name: “It sounds like you’re feeling really (emotion word) about that?”

Validate: “It must be challenging, feeling that”/”That’s really hard”, “It’s ok to feel that way.”/etc. 

Assurance/Connection:  “Do you want to talk about that”/ “I’ve felt that way too”/ “I don’t perceive you that way” 

Solution Finding (this step may not be possible, appropriate or needed): This is where, if it’s appropriate you might suggest things to help remedy whatever might be contributing to the feeling they’re having.  

While we don’t want people we love to feel pain, sometimes we can inadvertently invalidate their pain or communicate that they should not voice their pain with exclamations meant to be comforting. It plays out in a cycle of us feeling ineffective as supporters and the people we care for trying to support feeling unseen. When we let go of the idea that we need to stop the person feeling this way, let go of the idea that we can or should swoop in and put a stop to this person's difficult feelings or negative thoughts. Then it can feel much easier to just sit with them in the feeling, thus creating connection, a sense of empathy, and often has that person feeling really heard.