What I Wish My Clients Knew About Their Internal Self

By Stephanie Compton-Bain, MA, LBS, LPC 

Are you moving through your day with a tight chest, racing thoughts, and realizing only after you step out of the office that you’re taking your first real breath? If so, you might be experiencing a disconnection from your body.

What does it mean to connect with your internal self? In the journey toward emotional well-being, understanding our internal needs is a foundational step. When working with clients, I often ground our sessions in principles from Relational Attachment Theory and Somatic Therapy. These approaches offer valuable tools for identifying, processing, and expressing internal needs in a way that promotes healthy growth and connection.

Relational Attachment Theory tells us that the ways we relate to others as adults are often shaped by early attachment experiences. These early relationships influence not only our interactions with others but also how we relate to ourselves. Somatic Therapy, a body-centered approach, helps clients reconnect with their physical sensations and emotions. Emotional needs that have long gone unmet often manifest in the body as tension, discomfort, or numbness. By learning to listen to these physical signals, clients can gain insights into how unresolved emotions or past traumas impact their well-being today.

By blending these approaches, we create space to explore both our bodies and our relationships more deeply, fostering greater awareness and a stronger sense of connection with ourselves and others.

Connecting with Your Internal Self and Their Needs

Through the combined lens of Relational Attachment Theory and Somatic Therapy, individuals can learn to recognize the emotional and physical cues that signal unmet needs. Here’s how to start:

1. Tune into Your Body: Set aside time each day to practice mindfulness or body scanning. Notice where you feel tension, discomfort, or even numbness. Ask yourself, "What might this sensation be telling me?" Often, physical sensations are linked to emotions like anxiety, fear, or anger that may have been pushed aside.

2. Recognize Your Patterns: Reflect on your attachment style and relational patterns. Do you withdraw when you need support? Do you find yourself over-relying on others for validation? Understanding these patterns helps you become aware of how you habitually respond to emotional needs.

3. Acknowledge Emotional Needs Without Judgment: It’s common to feel shame or guilt for having emotional needs, especially if we’ve been conditioned to suppress them. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging that it’s okay to need comfort, validation, or boundaries.

   
   

Expressing Your Needs to Your Support Network

Once you've connected with your internal needs, the next step is learning to express them effectively to your support network. This can feel vulnerable, especially for those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, but it’s an essential component of healing.

1. Start Small: Begin by expressing your needs in low-stakes situations. This might look like asking for a hug when you’re feeling low or requesting some quiet time to recharge.

2. Use “I” Statements: When expressing your needs, frame them in a way that emphasizes your experience without blaming others. For example, "I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help with this task," instead of, "You never help me."

3. Be Direct and Clear: It can be tempting to hint at or downplay your needs, but clarity is key. Direct communication ensures that your needs are understood and taken seriously.

4. Allow for Mutual Feedback: Healthy relationships are built on reciprocal communication. Invite feedback from your support network and be open to their needs as well. This creates a dynamic where both parties feel heard and validated.

   
   

The Benefits of Meeting Internal Needs

By integrating the principles of Relational Attachment Theory and Somatic Therapy, clients can form a deeper connection with themselves and their support systems. Learning to identify and express emotional needs reduces internal tension, enhances relationships, and fosters a sense of security and well-being.

As you practice connecting with and expressing your needs, you may notice a greater sense of empowerment and peace. Healing begins when we learn to trust ourselves and communicate openly with those around us.