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By Stephanie Compton-Bain, MA,LBS,LPC
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but how we handle it determines whether it strengthens or weakens our connection. Many of us were never taught how to fight fairly, instead relying on patterns shaped by childhood experiences and what we witnessed from our parents or caregivers.
Relational Attachment Theory suggests that the way we handle conflict as adults is deeply influenced by how we learned to navigate closeness, connection, and emotional regulation in childhood.
Terry Real, a leading couples therapist, emphasizes that healthy relationships require relational mindfulness—the ability to stay connected and emotionally present, even in moments of disagreement. This is where the principles of fair fighting come in. By practicing secure attachment in conflict, we can engage in disagreements without damaging the foundation of our relationship.
1. Understanding Your Emotional Triggers
Before engaging in a disagreement, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you reacting from a place of built up hurt rather than the present issue? If your partner forgets to text you when they’re running late, are you upset about the inconvenience, or is it triggering a deeper feeling of abandonment from past experiences?
Fair Fighting Rule: Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
Relationally Secure Approach: Instead of reacting impulsively, pause and regulate. Take a deep breath, name the emotion, and approach your partner with a feeling rather than blame.
2. Speak to Connect, Not to Win
When conflict arises, it’s easy to slip into the role of “prosecutor,” listing every past mistake and tearing down your partner’s character. This not only escalates the fight but also erodes emotional safety.
Fair Fighting Rule: No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person.
Relationally Secure Approach: Use “I” statements to express feelings without attacking. Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I share something important, and I need reassurance that my voice matters.”
3. Stay Present—One Issue at a Time
When we feel threatened, our brain instinctively shifts into self-protection mode, often by recalling past hurts. This attachment-driven response is an attempt to regain control but ultimately hinders true resolution. In these moments, it’s important to remind ourselves that we are not actually under “attack,” even if the conversation feels that way. Instead, we are engaging with someone we have chosen to be in a relationship with—someone we likely care for deeply. Most of the time, we feel safe and connected to them, and keeping this perspective can help us navigate conflict with greater clarity and compassion.
Fair Fighting Rule: Discuss one topic at a time.
Relationally Secure Approach: Stay anchored in the present conflict. If other grievances surface, make a note to revisit them later. Addressing one issue at a time fosters emotional safety and prevents overwhelm.
4. Regulate Instead of Retreating or Attacking
When emotions run high, our nervous system may trigger fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. Some people shut down (stonewalling), while others escalate the conflict (yelling, criticizing). Neither response fosters connection.
Fair Fighting Rules: No stonewalling. No yelling. Take a time-out if needed.
Relationally Secure Approach: Recognize when your body is signaling overwhelm and take a structured break. Say, “I’m feeling too activated to continue this right now. Can we take 20 minutes to calm down and revisit this?”
5. Move Toward Repair, Not Avoidance
Many couples fall into the trap of winning the argument rather than resolving the issue. But relationships aren’t about keeping score—they’re about deepening trust. Try to remind yourself it is not you against your partner, it's you and your partner again the problem.
Fair Fighting Rule: Attempt to come to a compromise or understanding.
Relationally Secure Approach: Rather than pushing for a perfect solution, aim for mutual understanding. Even if you disagree, validating your partner’s experience can be a powerful repair tool: “I may not see it the same way, but I hear that this is really important to you.”
Healing Through Secure Conflict Resolution
When we bring attachment awareness into our conflicts, we shift from seeing our partner as the enemy to recognizing them as an ally. Conflict, when navigated with fairness and emotional regulation, can actually deepen intimacy. It’s not about avoiding disagreements but about learning to fight for the relationship, not against each other.
If you struggle with conflict in your relationships, working with a therapist who understands attachment and relational repair can be transformational.
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